"When faced with a problem you do not understand,
do any part of it you do understand; then look at it again."
~(Robert A. Heinlein - "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

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Saturday, July 01, 2017

Selfie taken in 2009

I STILL look like this (or WOULD, with a decent haircut);  someone who takes himself WAY too seriously.  I'll try to update this evening, less gloomy than I've been lately.  ;-)

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

I WEAR this, wherever I go ...

- (the uncensored version) on a cord around my neck.

It's double laminated, so if whatever happens to me is messy, it can be wiped off and read by first responders.  I've checked with a few of them, and have been assured that, while their IMMEDIATE priorities may be different, EVENTUALLY someone WILL get around to calling the three numbers on this.

That's a relief, because what will come when the money runs out is SO inevitable, I'm getting resigned to it;  almost looking forward to it.


Sunday, June 11, 2017

Frustration; followed by HOPE ...

When I checked my mailbox yesterday (SAT, 10 JUN 2017), I found a package from the VA. I thought it to be the bifocals they had prescribed for me and, (IF they worked as well as I HOPED), on Monday I would go back to the store to TRY to get BACK onto the work scheduje for some DESPERATE:Y NEEDED PAYCHECKS.

Unfortunately, insread of the glasses, it was just more of the eye-drops.

BEFORE those drops, I had spells where (with my RIGHT eye) I think I could MATCH the grouping in the pic.

But, right NOW, it looks as if I'll need half an hour* to hammer out this note (because of typos and trying to hold a magnifier to the screen to find and fix them)

If I state that the situation is such that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, reach across the bed and feel between the mattresses to reassure myself that the .44 IS there, and READY, you probably PERFECTLY understand the "Frustration" part of the title.

So, where does "HOPE" come into this"?

Because of my (frequently) expressed fears of being driven to suicide (the financial situation really IS that bad ... becoming HOMELESS scares the HELL out of me), a wonderful lady friend emailed to me ...

"Hey Paul -  You're such a drama queen ;=)."

 ... followed with ...

"Seriously though, I think the cataract surgery might help more than you think.  My mom is way older than you and she got cataract surgery a few years back and it helped a lot."

She's probably RIGHT, on BOTH parts. The doc is VERY happy with the pressure reduction (from the eye-drops) and is optimistic that cataract surgery really WILL help (SOME), He also warned me to be carefull when driving, because of how my peripheral vision has been affected.

He strikes me as pretty savvy, and NOT sloppy with his language. Giving me THAT warning, instead of saying, "You have no business even THINKING about ever driving AGAIN." makes me hope that all may NOT be LOST.


(* = Took an HOUR and a half.)


Saturday, May 06, 2017

"The COWARD dies a THOUSAND deaths, ...

... the BRAVE man dies but ONCE."
(Variations attributed to Shakespeare AND Hemingway)

Dear God. I wish I WAS a BRAVE man.

WHAT brought THIS on?

I have faced SO MANY fears in my life.  But, THIS one may FINISH me.

I fear that I may be slowly going BLIND.

For some time now, I've had spells of cloudy vision, that would clear up after awhile. But, they are lasting longer and longer. Bright sunlight makes things VERY difficult.

Should I see somebody about this? You BETCHA. BUT, my experience with doctors and clinics is that, before I can get past the receptionist, THIS question arises, "And HOW will you PAY for this, Mr. Gordon?". The ANSWER, "I CAN'T." is GUARANTEED to be a problem.

I'm fairly certain that a proper diagnosis will cost hundreds of dollars, and treatment (if there IS any) probably THOUSANDS.

And THEN, there is THIS problem with the car, mentioned in THIS previous post ...
Could have been KILLED today ...
... but, I lucked out and WASN'T.

At around 5 PM, today (Thursday, 06 APR 2017, I decided to take a hike to Kroger's, to get some groceries. That's about half a mile from my apartment. I can barely walk; lower back pain interfering with balance, and the sun was directly in my eyes a lot of the time, making it difficult to read the terrain on which I was walking. Less than a hundred yards from my apartment, I tripped and fell while crossing a street, and a car, making a fast turn, barely managed to stop in time.

A couple of people got out of their cars and helped to get up.  Didn't break anything;  just scraped my hands, my left knee has a hell of a bruise, and it ripped part of the left leg of my slacks. Noticing that I was trying to continue on my way (I STILL needed groceries). the one who nearly killed me was nice enough to give me a ride there and back.  (Sadly, it was a GUY this time, instead of the nice LADY who helped me when she noticed me struggling with the walk, several yeas ago. :-).

So, WHY IN HELL was I trying to WALK there?

Thursday, a week ago, I started to drive somewhere, and the automatic transmission, on my 2000 Honda Civic, began slipping and jerking when shifting, and the "Check Engine" light came on.  The next day, I had AAA take the car over to A+ Transmission Specialists. They have a fairly comprehensive set of electronic and driving tests they will do for no charge.

On Monday (03 APR 2017) I learned from them that pressure drops, in the transmission, were causing the shifting problems, but to determine the cause of those drops, they would need to completely disassemble the transmission (for $395.00), and (depending on what they find) I could be looking at a total from $1500.00 to $2500.00.

At the moment, there is absolutely NO WAY I can handle THAT.  So I got AAA to bring the car home.  I am without transportation, for the foreseeable future.  If I CANNOT get the car fixed, I can NEVER afford to get another one.  my current situation will be THE REST OF MY LIFE..

I STILL have the PayPal  "Medical Donation" button near the top of the left column on this page,
 in hope of help.

Alternatively, a check can be mailed to
 Paul Gordon
 3433 West Dallas St, Apt. 1102
 Houston, Texas 77019

 Email: gordpnp@airmail.net

If you CAN help a bit, Thank you.

In earlier posts, I mentioned the possibility of going for Chapter 7 bankruptcy to help with my financial problems.  After long consideration (and research) I have taken THAT off the table, concluding that, my current circumstances being so different from the time I exercised that option in 2000, THIS time the end result would most likely be a do-it-yourself .44 caliber lobotomy.

The only REAL possibility I can see is to TRY and get myself into shape to be able to get (and be able to DO) the extra hours I so desperately need.

Today's incident has made me decide to make a note or card, listing several of you (names and telephone numbers) as people to notifiy if something final happens to me.  I should have it double laminated, so if it gets covered in blood, that can be wiped off so it can be read.

I hope some of you will KEEP the email you received about this, and if YOU get a call, you can haul out that email, edit the subject line and the content, and pass the news along using "Reply to all".

Thank you.


Put together, I'm looking at THOUSANDS of dollars worth of help that I desperately need.

HOW can I POSSIBLY ask this of you? The plain truth is that I am a very poor investment right now, as it will be a miracle if I'm not DEAD before mid-summer, probably at my own hand.

Right now, all I see in front of me is DEATH.



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