Why SHOULD you?

... a LIKELY query to my requests for LARGE Donations to KEEP myself ALIVE until the Houston Veteran's Hospital Social Workers can help me to find a more AFFORDABLE place for me to LIVE!!!

Problem is repeated requests for such help have resulted in NO ONE trying to reach me.

I fear they consider me literally DOOMED, and there is NOTHING they can do to SAVE me! :(

BUT, I really DON'T wanna DIE, and HOPE you will Donate anyway, whether you think I DESERVE it or not (knowing FULL WELL that SOME of you have gone WAY beyond the call of duty in THAT regard)!

PLEASE!!!

Oh, GOD ... How EMBARRASSING! :(

Emergency room trip!  SOMETIMES, LIFE can SUCK!!!

For several days over the weekend, my visits to the bathroom (for # 1) grew VERY frequent. Monday the 16th, the urination was burning and I felt weak and feverish, so I went.  By SOME miracle, I made it there WITHOUT wetting myself.  Tests disclosed a urinary tract infection, blood in the urine, and I was told that some antibiotics would be mailed to me, which I would take for ten to fifteen days, after which I'd need to return for more tests.

I phoned the VA Hospital the next morning, learned they HADN'T been mailed yet, and arranged for them to be held at the VA Pharmacy, where I would pick them up the next day, Wednesday the 18th (it can sometimes take a WEEK for the Mail to get them to me, and I wanted to start the antibiotics as soon as possible.  

I DID, and am ON them now.

To be able to MAKE that trip WITHOUT a minor catastrophe, I got a ride to Walgreens and spent a fair chunk of a donation on ... DIAPERS (Depend Fit-Flex)!!!  AGGGGGHHH!!!  I'm not READY for THIS!!! 

I could Really, REALLY USE another DONATION; it's liable to be a long and painful couple of weeks.

GOD, how EMBARRASSING. Don't expect to see THIS on my blog! :(

THAT line above is how I ended the email I sent to friends.  Obviously I am DESPERATE enough to have changed my mind.

I'll almost Certainly have emergency taxi trips and purchases to make, for which I have almost NO money.  For God's sake, PLEASE!!!
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Options ...

I'm gonna try sending a message to the VA Hospital to see if I can  get an appointment with Social Workers there, to see if they can find SOMETHING that I am CAPABLE of doing to earn extra money to SURVIVE on. 

I'd LOVE for them to check out this blog and see if it shows writing skills that would be EMPLOYABLE.  Have I gone through it to weed out anything that might set off all sorts of alarms with them?  Of COURSE I have;  to claim otherwise would be an insult to their intelligence.

 THIS stuff ALWAYS takes TIME (which I'm rapidly running OUT of), ANY help you can provide (via the PayPal "Donate" button) ...

... will be APPRECIATED beyond words.

THANK you;  and BLESS you!

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An Open Letter to Creditors and Collectors ...

I am 77, and my vision and physical condition make me damned near UNEMPLOYABLE.  Other than a few donations from friends, who have literally KEPT ME ALIVE, my SOLE income is from Social Security.  

My assets amount to an apartment full of junk (SOME of which no longer even WORKS, but is difficult for me to take downstairs to the dumpster in my condition) that is WORTHLESS to anyone who would choose to SEIZE it ... and a 19 yr old used car that is UNDRIVEABLE and would take several thousand dollars to fix (I'd HOPED that the VA could fix my eyes well enough for me to be able to WORK again and start putting my LIFE back together;  but THAT was NOT TO BE).

If you choose to haul me into court, there is NOTHING in that process that will magically conjure up money THAT DOES NOT EXIST.

I am ALREADY being sued by ANOTHER collector, for a much smaller amount that is EQUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to pay. That process might well succeed in KILLING me via stroke or heart failure, but it won't PROFIT them in the least.

When things started GOING TO HELL two years ago (eye problems I thought were cataracts (but included permanent optic nerve damage from glaucoma) costing me the part-time grocery cashier income supplementing my Social Security) I stopped using my credit cards, DESTROYED them, and STOPPED PAYING ON THEM (as I simply COULDN'T).

For a LOOOONG time, I received emails and voicemails about this, from the creditors, and THEN from various collectors, but THAT was ALL.

I honestly DOUBTED they would REALLY do ANYTHING else;  I may have LOTS of various opinions about creditors and collectors, but STUPID ain't one of them.

So, before hauling me into court, I hereby URGE you to INVESTIGATE the Hell out of me.  If those investigators are worth even a fraction of what you'll pay them, they'll advise AGAINST pouring time and money into THAT rathole.  I have absolutely NOTHING that is WORTH A DAMN to you;  and THEY will CONFIRM that!!!

FYI

Paul Gordon
3433 West Dallas St, Apt 1102, Houston, Texas 77019
email: gordonp@airmail.net

2307
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Can ANY of you SUGGEST ...

... LEGAL alternatives to my irritating ...

... PLEAS for DONATIONS via PayPal, as a way to get money by using my computer? 

(In my CURRENT circumstances, I am NOT all THAT resistant to ILLEGAL;  I just lack CONFIDENCE about BEING ANY GOOD AT IT.)

If you know something that is NOT a scam, and actually WORKS;  I'm LISTENING!!!

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Is long life hereditary?

As of TODAY (11 FEB 2019) I am 76.  May 25 of this year will make it 77.

My dad went at 70, but THAT was from complications after surgery.  HIS dad made it to 76.

Mom went at 88.  So, it would appear that the Binkley (Dad) and Williams (Mom) families have a fair amount of "long life" genes among them.

At THIS point, you may be wondering, "WHERE the HELL does "Gordon" come into the picture?"  Well, Gordon used to be my middle name (chosen by Dad in honor of a friend), until I went to court and had the family name lopped off.  I DID re-unite with the family later, but STAYED with the changed name.  ("What family doesn't have its ups and downs?"  ~Katherine Hepburn as Eleanor of Aquitaine in "The Lion in Winter")

Obviously, mortality has been on my mind lately.  I could GO before I finish this, OR, I may have another DECADE left.  Equally obvious:  improvements in medicine and medical care have to be factored in.

MOST likely CAUSE of demise ...
1) Accident.  I am weak and fragile, and have difficulty with even walking.  In my current condition, a FALL could be LETHAL, depending on HOW and ON WHAT I land.

2) Heart failure or stroke.  I have a blood pressure problem;  had it off and on for AGES.  Being treated for it, but the financial pressures I'm under sure don't HELP any.

Mostly just rambling (and sharing) here.  If there's a POINT to this;  it eludes me. 
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Fundraiser on facebook ...

I created THIS, to try and SURVIVE ...
  https://www.facebook.com/donate/748273218881025/?fundraiser_source=external_url

PLEASE!!!

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Coming to terms ...

NOTHING lasts FOREVER.

At seventy-six and a half, I've outlasted a LOT of people;  some of whom I've known personally, and many others I've known of, greatly admired, and am saddened at their absence.

Not a bad  run at all;  could have been worse.  :-)

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I'm gettin' too OLD for this sh*t!!!

- Yesterday (Tuesday, 06 NOV 2018) I had two appointments at the VA Eye Clinic.

To use Metrolift, one needs to make a reservation at least a day before. When I remembered (Monday) that I had NOT done so, it was already just past 5 PM, and the reservation office was closed.

Taxi fare would have been so expensive that I took a chance and used the regular buses (FREE with the special card I have because of my age and condition), hoping the new walker mentioned in my My NEWEST Toy ... post, would let me handle the bus stops (some of which had broken pavement) without injury.

It DID!!!

On my return trip, I switched to another bus which dropped me off at the polling station so I could vote (Normally, I would wade through all the different races, BUT;  because of the recent behavior of a certain unmentionable party, STRAIGHT REPUBLICAN!!!).

I then walked several blocks over to the Kroger near my apartment for some groceries, only AFTERWARDS using a taxi to get home (just TOO MUCH of a load to carry that far).

Yesterday was more walking than I've done in MONTHS, and that walker made it POSSIBLE.

BUT, it DOESN'T prevent FATIGUE.  Several times I felt about to COLLAPSE, even in my apartment afterwards.  I was so tired when I hit the sack, I really wondered if I WOULD wake up the next morning.

I suppose I'm just gonna have to EASE into it.

This may all be academic;  I'm STILL RUNNING OUT OF MONEY and find it NECESSARY to BEG for donations AGAIN.  PLEASE!!! 

I tell the folks at the VA about this;  that the ONLY thing that could SAVE me in the long run is to become EMPLOYABLE.  They nod and smile;  but I can SEE they do NOT really comprehend.

How COULD they?  This is BEYOND any experience THEY'VE ever had.  HOW could running out of money KILL anyone in THIS country?  

I hope they NEVER find out;  I wouldn't wish THAT understanding on ANYONE.  :(

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My NEWEST Toy ...

... sometimes, LIFE just SUCKS!!!  :(

Today (Wednesday, 31 October 2018) I had a Physical Therapy interview at the VA hospital, and came home with THIS ...

They had noticed my DIFFICULTIES with walking on less than perfect terrain, and were DETERMINED that THAT simple act NOT result in my death.

It really DOES help (a LOT), but for SOME (unfathomable) reason, I feel it kinda APPROPRIATE that I acquired it ON HALLOWEEN.  Sigh ...   ;-)
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I have been BLESSED, ...

... with SO MANY FRIENDS. :-)

Thank you;  ALL of you.
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First surgery - results ...

On Wednesday morning, 26 JUL 2017, I took a taxi to the Michael DeBakey Veterans Hospital for a 7 AM appointment with the eye-sugeon.

This was for surgery to my left eye (the worst one), to remove the cataracts, and to insert a tube to help with drainage (to reduce pressure in the eye).

Because I would need some attention for the next 24 hours, and there was NO ONE to provide it, I stayed overnight. Had to sleep with an eye-patch taped on, to avoid injury to the eye.

When the patch was removed, I really couldn't see ANY difference in vision with that eye. The surgeon had warned me that could be the case, but felt the surgery was necessary.

When asked if I felt any pain or irritation, I mentioned feeling something between my eye and the lower eyelid. He said I was probably feeling some of the stitching. STITCHING on an EYEBALL!!!  Trying to IMAGINE that.  Perhaps I SHOULDN'T. :-)

He gave me a steel patch (with holes like a pepper shaker) ...

... to tape over my left eye before going to bed. This will be for a week.

He also gave me still MORE eye drops. I've been taking three types of drops, to control the pressure in both eyes.  I'll continue with those, but NOW for the right eye only.  The left gets three NEW types, for the next four weeks, to control any inflammation resulting from the surgery. SIX types to keep track of.  Does THAT sound like FUN?  :-)

I see him again, on Thursday, 03 AUG 2017, for a follow-up check.

They tell me it could be six to eight weeks before surgery to the right eye. Dr. Morris (the eye surgeon) is confident of more improvement with THAT eye, as its optic nerve damage is far less.

We shall see. :-)
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Selfie taken in 2009

I STILL look like this (or WOULD, with a decent haircut);  someone who takes himself WAY too seriously.  I'll try to update this evening, less gloomy than I've been lately.  ;-)

I WEAR this, wherever I go ...

- (an uncensored version of this) on a cord around my neck.

It's double laminated, so if whatever happens to me is messy, it can be wiped off and read by first responders.  I've checked with a few of them, and have been assured that, while their IMMEDIATE priorities may be different, EVENTUALLY someone WILL get around to calling the three numbers on this.

That's a relief, because what will come when the money runs out is SO inevitable, I'm getting resigned to it;  almost looking forward to it.

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Frustration; followed by HOPE ...

When I checked my mailbox yesterday (SAT, 10 JUN 2017), I found a package from the VA. I thought it to be the bifocals they had prescribed for me and, (IF they worked as well as I HOPED), on Monday I would go back to the store to TRY to get BACK onto the work scheduje for some DESPERATE:Y NEEDED PAYCHECKS.

Unfortunately, insread of the glasses, it was just more of the eye-drops.

BEFORE those drops, I had spells where (with my RIGHT eye) I think I could MATCH the grouping in the pic.

But, right NOW, it looks as if I'll need half an hour* to hammer out this note (because of typos and trying to hold a magnifier to the screen to find and fix them)

If I state that the situation is such that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, reach across the bed and feel between the mattresses to reassure myself that the .44 IS there, and READY, you probably PERFECTLY understand the "Frustration" part of the title.

So, where does "HOPE" come into this"?

Because of my (frequently) expressed fears of being driven to suicide (the financial situation really IS that bad ... becoming HOMELESS scares the HELL out of me), a wonderful lady friend emailed to me ...

"Hey Paul -  You're such a drama queen ;=)."

 ... followed with ...

"Seriously though, I think the cataract surgery might help more than you think.  My mom is way older than you and she got cataract surgery a few years back and it helped a lot."

She's probably RIGHT, on BOTH parts. The doc is VERY happy with the pressure reduction (from the eye-drops) and is optimistic that cataract surgery really WILL help (SOME), He also warned me to be carefull when driving, because of how my peripheral vision has been affected.

He strikes me as pretty savvy, and NOT sloppy with his language. Giving me THAT warning, instead of saying, "You have no business even THINKING about ever driving AGAIN." makes me hope that all may NOT be LOST.

???

(* = Took an HOUR and a half.)

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"The COWARD dies a THOUSAND deaths, ...

... the BRAVE man dies but ONCE."
(Variations attributed to Shakespeare AND Hemingway)

Dear God. I wish I WAS a BRAVE man.

WHAT brought THIS on?

I have faced SO MANY fears in my life.  But, THIS one may FINISH me.

I fear that I may be slowly going BLIND.

For some time now, I've had spells of cloudy vision, that would clear up after awhile. But, they are lasting longer and longer. Bright sunlight makes things VERY difficult.

Should I see somebody about this? You BETCHA. BUT, my experience with doctors and clinics is that, before I can get past the receptionist, THIS question arises, "And HOW will you PAY for this, Mr. Gordon?". The ANSWER, "I CAN'T." is GUARANTEED to be a problem.

I'm fairly certain that a proper diagnosis will cost hundreds of dollars, and treatment (if there IS any) probably THOUSANDS.

And THEN, there is THIS problem with the car, mentioned in THIS previous post ...
##############################################################
Could have been KILLED today ...
... but, I lucked out and WASN'T.

At around 5 PM, today (Thursday, 06 APR 2017, I decided to take a hike to Kroger's, to get some groceries. That's about half a mile from my apartment. I can barely walk; lower back pain interfering with balance, and the sun was directly in my eyes a lot of the time, making it difficult to read the terrain on which I was walking. Less than a hundred yards from my apartment, I tripped and fell while crossing a street, and a car, making a fast turn, barely managed to stop in time.

A couple of people got out of their cars and helped to get up.  Didn't break anything;  just scraped my hands, my left knee has a hell of a bruise, and it ripped part of the left leg of my slacks. Noticing that I was trying to continue on my way (I STILL needed groceries). the one who nearly killed me was nice enough to give me a ride there and back.  (Sadly, it was a GUY this time, instead of the nice LADY who helped me when she noticed me struggling with the walk, several years ago. :-).

So, WHY IN HELL was I trying to WALK there?

Thursday, a week ago, I started to drive somewhere, and the automatic transmission, on my 2000 Honda Civic, began slipping and jerking when shifting, and the "Check Engine" light came on.  The next day, I had AAA take the car over to A+ Transmission Specialists. They have a fairly comprehensive set of electronic and driving tests they will do for no charge.

On Monday (03 APR 2017) I learned from them that pressure drops, in the transmission, were causing the shifting problems, but to determine the cause of those drops, they would need to completely disassemble the transmission (for $395.00), and (depending on what they find) I could be looking at a total from $1500.00 to $2500.00.

At the moment, there is absolutely NO WAY I can handle THAT.  So I got AAA to bring the car home.  I am without transportation, for the foreseeable future.  If I CANNOT get the car fixed, I can NEVER afford to get another one.  my current situation will be THE REST OF MY LIFE..

I STILL have the PayPal  "Medical Donation" button near the top of the left column on this page,
 in hope of help.

Alternatively, a check can be mailed to
 Paul Gordon
 3433 West Dallas St, Apt. 1102
 Houston, Texas 77019

 Email: gordonp@airmail.net

If you CAN help a bit, Thank you.

In earlier posts, I mentioned the possibility of going for Chapter 7 bankruptcy to help with my financial problems.  After long consideration (and research) I have taken THAT off the table, concluding that, my current circumstances being so different from the time I exercised that option in 2000, THIS time the end result would most likely be a do-it-yourself .44 caliber lobotomy.

The only REAL possibility I can see is to TRY and get myself into shape to be able to get (and be able to DO) the extra hours I so desperately need.

Today's incident has made me decide to make a note or card, listing several of you (names and telephone numbers) as people to notifiy if something final happens to me.  I should have it double laminated, so if it gets covered in blood, that can be wiped off so it can be read.

I hope some of you will KEEP the email you received about this, and if YOU get a call, you can haul out that email, edit the subject line and the content, and pass the news along using "Reply to all".

Thank you.

##############################################################

Put together, I'm looking at THOUSANDS of dollars worth of help that I desperately need.

HOW can I POSSIBLY ask this of you? The plain truth is that I am a very poor investment right now, as it will be a miracle if I'm not DEAD before mid-summer, probably at my own hand.

Right now, all I see in front of me is DEATH.

Kinda DEPRESSING.  :(
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Survivor

Apologies to all for my recent whining, posted at the beginning of my "The Martian" post ...
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Thanks to my accident just before Memorial Day, I don't get out to movies as often as I used to, or as often as I would like. My current situation (inoperable car, not a snowball's chance in Hell of obtaining the funds to make it usable, being half crippled and sometimes barely able to walk a couple of blocks to a bus stop) makes that arduous and painful.
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Some of you know that I am definitely in a "down" right now, but I DO have options.

If I can make it to March, without doing anything drastic and final from pure despair, I might be able to do something about that car, which will be a true Godsend. Because of my age, and my income status, I will very likely get ALL of my Federal withholding tax returned, which looks like it will be a bit over $1200.00. I'm confident that THAT should be enough.

Additionally, the absolutely CRUSHING financial position I'm in right now could be relieved by doing Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. I'm not real keen on THAT, as it involves the MOTHER OF ALL PAPERWORK.

But, as an alternative to my final option, it is definitely on the table.

I've had major ups and downs before - a LOT of them. And I'm STILL here.

About thirty years ago, I had such a deep bout of severe depression, I had to see a shrink to avoid losing my job.  Now, she was only doing her job, trying to lift me out of the funk I was in, when she told me that she "saw a survivor. You pulled up stakes and moved halfway across the country to start a new career. Wimps don't do that.".

I treasured that. I HAVE to survive this; if for no other reason, than to avoid proving that lady wrong.

Wish me luck  And, Thanks.  :-)
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Death by a thousand cuts ...

... MY term for the billing practices of major hospitals.

Yesterday (Thursday, 06 AUG 2015), I made my third (and hopefully FINAL) follow-up visit to Ben Taub hospital, concerning the broken ankle and lower tibia I suffered in my accident of 23 MAY 2015, and which I wrote about in numerous previous posts going back to Sometimes, life just sucks ...

They want me to continue wearing this special boot for another week, but don't feel another visit will be required, as the bones appear to be healing just fine.

So, the major crisis in front of me is the billing system summed up by the title of this post.

When I had my broken arm accident  in late July of 2013, there were ultimately over half a dozen different accounts to deal with, as each department in the hospitals (TWO hospitals were involved in that accident recovery) and the various physicians ALL had their own  accounting services.

It took over two months after the initial invoice arrived before I had a fairly complete picture of the whole mess. Approximately $6000.00 in all.

The ONLY way I could deal with it was to make a (VERY) small payment to each every month.

This continued until the 23 MAY accident, at which point I stopped paying, as the paychecks ceased for about six weeks until I began working again.

I have NOT resumed those payments, as I was looking at a whole NEW nightmare from Ben Taub
to come.

THIS prospect had me looking at Chapter 7 Bankruptcy, and I was looking at going in for a free consultation with a bankruptcy lawyer, to see (among other things) if I needed to wait until ALL the parties involved with Ben Taub had sent invoices, and the whole picture was clear, before filing.

But then, a circumstance involving me possibly owning a small part of rural property belonging to my late mother made it look as if a small sum might come my way and make it possible to get my car running again.

As that possible ownership would complicate the Hell out of the bankruptcy (and the bankruptcy could have an effect on the property), I temporarily took the bankruptcy off the table.

But, I've heard nothing more, and frankly doubt it's gonna happen,  So, in a few weeks I'll go in for that consultation.

This is NOT something I'm keen to do; I went through a Chapter 7 in 2000, and the paperwork is absolutely HORRIFIC. (To paraphrase a classic Jack Benny routine: "The PAPERWORK, or your LIFE!"  Reply: "I'M THINKING." )

But, I HAVE to consider this.  The financial situation threatens to absolutely DESTROY me.

There's a REASON I still have the PayPal donation button near the top left of my page.

If you feel like helping, God Bless You,.

And, Thank You.
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NOT one of my brighter ideas.

Being cheap about cab fare.

There's a Kroger about half a mile from my apartment. Being unable to drive, I've been taking a cab each way to do my grocery shopping, usually around $5.00 each way (including a modest tip).

Tuesday, the 23rd, I went back to work for the first time in a month.  I go again tomorrow (Friday). I HAVE been walking some, in this cast-like boot, and using the bus again. But, it's still awkward and exhausting.

Today, I decided to walk to Kroger and just use the cab to get back with a load of groceries.

The STUPID part was going around 2:30 PM  in wonderful Houston summer weather, trying hard to not pass out because if I went down, not only would I need help in getting back up again, I'd be damned lucky if I didn't break something else in such a fall.

If I try that stunt again, I'll at least wait until later, when the sun has gone down.

I DO need to get better at walking, as it is all too possible I may not have anything to drive ever again (see "First blow ..." in Hat-trick:  ).  This situation just may KILL me financially.  The money is running out. I am grateful beyond words for the donations that have come in from friends, but as I mentioned in that post, I see no possibility of avoiding Chapter 7 in the near future.

So, I may be walking for the remainder of my life.
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Shower ...

... equals unfathomable luxury in my present situation.

For the first time in four weeks (since my accident of Sometimes, like just sucks ), I've been able to shower, instead of just sponge bathing. 

As with my broken arm accident of two years ago, deliberation in all things is the rule. If I sit in the tub, I have a Hell of a time getting back up, being weak in my arms and trying to brace myself against wet slippery surfaces. I prefer a shower while standing.  I DO have one of those Rubbermaid non-slip (with suction cups) mats for the bottom of my tub.

BUT, if I slip anyway, or lose balance from a spasm of pain by putting my foot down wrong, well, there might be a more dangerous place in my apartment for such an accident (considering the spigot, faucet handles and mixing valve at one end of a typical apartment bathtub), but I have great difficulty in conjuring it up.

So, this IS progress, of a sort.  I'm getting better at walking with that awkward boot (like walking on a cast), and may attempt a bus ride in a couple of days.

Tomorrow, I'll call Randalls to find out if I'm on next weeks schedule.

But, STILL a long way to go on recovery, including financial, so if you can help, I desperately need it and would be very grateful.

Paul Gordon
3433 West Dallas, # 1102
Houston, Texas 77019

(Or, you can use the Paul Gordon Medical donation button (PayPal) near the top left of the webpage, just below the main title picture.)

Thanks, in advance. :-)
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