In a very dark place ...

... at the moment.

A little earlier today, I began constructing a draft post of "Death Sentence": a whine about how I felt that I wouldn't survive until the end of the year.

It got inadvertently (?) posted for a few seconds before I yanked it. But those few seconds were sufficient ot enshrine it on Google Reader.

Why the "(?)" after "inadvertently"?  On automatic-pilot it is easy to select "Publish Post" when you meant "Preview", but maybe I wanted to pop it up there.  Lashing out is all too human when you're in enough pain.

What brought that on is my current situation.  I am barely hanging on with the combination of early-retirement social security and a part-time job as a grocery cashier.  If I go under 20 hours in a week, I bleed because I have to hit my credit to squeeze by, and of course that ain't infinite.

I've had a lot of weeks like that lately, and seeing only 10  hours scheduled for this coming week sent me a bit over the edge.  If this is a sign of things to come;  not good!  Not good at all!!!  There's no escaping a total collapse down the line in that case.

Of course, maybe that ain't the case at all;  I've had spells of extreme depression before, and I could easily be over-reacting to a temporary setback instead of evaluating it objectively.

Maybe I just need to put on Philip Wesley's "Dark Night of the Soul" (actually quite peaceful and soothing, in spite of its title) and try to relax a bit.

I've been through these spells before, and will probably be again.  That I'm whining is probably a good clue that I'm still here.

So, if you've come across that post on RSS, Fuggedaboutit!!!

I'm going to try to.

To Greg: Thank you for your concern.  One way or another, I'll make it through this.  I'm 69 now; I think that says something about my survival skills.

Update - Sat night, 20 Aug 2011 - I have talked to the manager, mainly inquiring about the chances of more hours becoming available in the coming weeks.  She actually felt the chances were pretty good, because business nearly always picks up for them once kids are back in school.

I did question why we were taking on three new cashiers and clerks while we were having trouble providing hours for those we already had.  To that,  she replied that some of those we had were not available for some shifts, particularly weekends.

As I have not restricted myself that way, I may have some opportunities in the coming weeks (I am not real fond of coming in at 6 AM, because I usually have to be up at 3 AM to manage that, but I have done it, will do it, and they do know it.  So, there's hope there).

In her comment, blogger Webutante  asked how she could help, if I had a tip-jar, etc.?

Well, I do not, for several reasons.  First, I still have some pride left.  Second, as a practical matter, my blog simply doesn't draw that many people.

I would love to be interesting enough to be able to market some of my writing, but, my site-meter provides a very solid (and sobering) reality check.

More than anything in the world, I'd like to stir curiosity and cause others to check out various other things I've written, but only a very tiny handful of visitors here ever do that.  Most have arrived here because of the title I've given a post, or because of its subject matter, but after they've read the post (if they've even done that), BAM!; Hasta la vista, baby!!!

The bottom line there is that, whatever my dreams may be, I'm simply failing to hold their interest.  So, even if I tried panhandling with a tip-jar, there just ain't enough visitors here to make it work.

It's a moot point anyway, as the first reason I mentioned above overrides everything, and means it just ain't gonna happen.

The conversation with the manager raises some hope, so we'll just have to see how it goes.

Thanks, all, for putting up with me.  I really appreciate your support.

Yet another update - 22 Aug 2011 - Webutante  made another comment on my fixation on the site-meter, which I am answering here in case not all visitors via RSS see the comments.

Thank you, Web.

You're right about the site meter, but let me put my addiction in perspective ...

I've never gotten around to watching Danny Boyle's Trainspotting  (1996 - about the heroin culture in Edinburg), and don't know if I ever will; just not having any real interest in the subject.

But, I have seen a clip from it in which one of the characters, played by Ewan McGregor, explains ...

"People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that sh*t which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not f*cking stupid. At least, not that f*cking stupid."

I'm always curious about how a post is received, but this is the fix that I'm looking for. As I explained to another commenter on another post of mine ...

For me, blogging is a great way to occasionally vent, or just to share things I'm interested in.

In a comment to a post on another site, I confessed to being a slave to the site-meter, often frustrated by seeing some little trifle that I shot out in response to something that ticked me off getting hit after hit after hit, while something else that I poured my soul into sinks without a trace.

The most soul-killing thing for me is apathy.

On the other hand, the greatest turn-on for me is when I see evidence of curiosity;  people coming here for one thing and then exploring others.

To think I may have piqued someone's curiosity -- well, it just doesn't get any better than that.

Although depressingly rare, it actually does happen now and then.  So, I do believe there could be worse things to be addicted to. :-)

Lord! Talk about going all over the map!  I think I've just embarked on a world cruise here.
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